He Can’t or He Doesn’t Want To?

Earlier this week I was talking to my son. He plays basketball for his High School and felt a little discouraged about his fade away shot. On our ride home he kept saying he CAN’T seem to make that shot during his games so he’d drive it in every time. I could see the discouragement on his face. His facial expression was filled with fear and self-doubt. I looked at him for a while as his expression remained the same. I turned to him and said, “Son it is not that you can’t it is that you don’t want to because you’re afraid of missing the shot. Can’t is not a word to use unless you physically or mentally cannot do something. Never use CAN’T.” He looked at me and said, “You really think I can do it?” I quickly replied, “Yes.” His facial expression immediately changed from fear to courage. However, I was internally shrinking with a smile on my face.

I was shrinking because I was holding on to an I Can’t myself. When we got home I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and immediately started to cry. I had all the right words for my son but couldn’t apply those words to myself. I was in a situation where the person I cared for deeply continued to say, “I can’t give you what you want.” Here I was holding on to the little I got from this person while telling my son can’t is another way of saying I don’t want to. I learned early in life CAN'T is not a word I wanted to use. I was brought up to believe I CAN do anything I’m physically and mentally capable of doing; if I want to. I kept replaying my conversation with my son as the tears ran down my face. In that moment I knew it wasn’t that this person couldn’t it was they just didn’t want to.

The fear of losing them kept me accepting I Can’t when I wanted I CAN! I always rationalized this person’s behavior because I knew they cared. Yet, they didn’t care enough to fight for me the way that I’d fight for them. Maybe they were afraid they couldn’t give me what I needed or deserved so like my son they just settled by saying they couldn’t. Maybe fear of not being the man they wanted to be yet kept them from being the man they could be to me now. Either way it hurt. It all came tumbling down on me like a ton of bricks that day. I knew based on the conversation I had with my son I had to let go. I had to let go of what I saw as possibility and go with what I was getting in the moment. I know what I want for myself. I never welcomed CAN’T in my life so I couldn’t allow it to live there now.

I was always told if a man really wants you he will go to the end of the earth to keep you. He will not let you walk away. He’ll fight for you, make sacrifices for you, and give you a part of him that he has never been willing to give another. He will not say he CAN’T he’ll find a way to show you he can. I’d settled for a bunch of I CAN’Ts all my life. Now close to forty years of age I was still settling. Why? As I sat on the bathroom floor I realized I’m naturally nurturing. It is a part of me I can’t change. Therefore I feed off being needed, which makes it hard for me to expect receiving. As crazy as it sound in order for me to feel loved I needed to feel needed. The bad part about that is I lose myself in other’s needs negating my own. That is what brought me to the point of accepting I CAN’T. I lived off feeling needed. I knew I had to change that thinking.

I pulled myself from the floor. Looked at myself in the mirror and repeated these words, “You are beautiful. You are love. You deserve happiness. You deserve sacrifice, most of all you deserve to for once experience what you give!” I wiped the tears from my face and decided I can’t hold on to I CAN’T any longer. My kids are watching. Even though I keep my relationships to myself and away from my kids, I really wanted to practice what I preached to them. I know God has someone for me. I truly believe there is a man out there missing his rib and I’m the perfect fit. I’m the missing piece to someone as they are the missing piece of me. I am whole alone however; true completion takes place when two individuals that balance each other come together. If that person is the one that is currently saying I CAN’T God will reveal to him who I am in his life and he will come back to me when he can. In this current moment I can’t accept; let me rephrase, I don’t want to accept his I CAN’T. I have to let go. As I told my son I CAN’T is not a word we use. Therefore, it couldn’t be a word I accept.

My grandfather laid the blueprint for me. Every time I saw him he encouraged me, told me I was beautiful, and made sure I felt love. His love for me can never be duplicated, but I’m willing to wait for the man that will come close. Who knows, maybe it will be Mr. I CAN'T when he can!

Are you accepting less than you deserve? If so think of what you would tell your children if they were accepting what you are. When you listen to yourself advise your children you may find you are advising yourself.

Until next time.