Wife Benefits without Boyfriend Behavior

I was having a conversation with one of my very close male friends today; the usual talk about life, plans, and dating. During this conversation I told him I was beginning to feel hopeless. No matter who I ran across the outcome was the same; I’m not ready, come by and chill, or just blatant sexual advances. It’s like at what point do men stop running around with their tongues hanging out searching for the next lay like dogs in heat.

This friend always tells me I’m so amazing and any guy would be lucky to have me. I wish these guys saw what he does because at this point, approaching 40, I’m feeling a little hopeless. Then he said it! He told me where I was going wrong! He stated boldly, “You give wife benefits when guys don’t even give you the minimum boyfriend behavior!”

A bit embarrassed I realized he was right! I evaluated my last couple of relationships and realized in each relationship I easily became KSAN (Kisha Save a Ninja). Yup, I was always saving someone. Need a job; I got you, need a place to stay; I’ll find one for you, fall upon hard times; I’ll pick you up. Here I am with my cape on saving guys but getting nothing in return. I continued on with our conversation but really felt some kind of way. It was a disappointing feeling within me. I mean why did I do these things? Why did I go all out for these guys when I got less than I deserved. I realized in that moment I wasn’t single because there wasn’t anyone out there. I was single because I was giving too much for too little.

The conversation continued. He went on to say, “Women don’t recognize their power. The tone of friendships that lead to relationships is set by women. What women allow is what will continue. If your first interaction with a guy is going to his place for drinks more than likely that will be the extent of your friendship with him. The tone has been set. He will feel like he doesn’t have to do anything to get you. Most times those at home drinks turn into drunken sex. When a man is into you he wants to show you. If all of your time with him is hanging out at his place, you’ve made it ok for him to feel that is ok.” I was shrinking as the conversation continued because I knew I’d allowed the exact situations he described. I did way too much for nothing. By the end of our conversation I began to feel small. I felt like I was going back to that place of not embracing my worth.

As always he brought me back around. He reminded me the beauty of me was my heart. He reassured me by saying, “Even though you give too much it will be rewarded. The right person will love that and not take it for granted nor take advantage of your giving spirit.” He did reiterate I had to stop giving wife benefits. I had to stop giving men everything when they are not willing to be my anything. Damn…I really was doing myself a disservice. I allowed these men to treat me like I was on the level of a Rasputia when I’m really on a Nia Long level lol.

I took in this conversation with an open ear and heart. I want to be a wife. In order to be a wife I have to be a friend and girlfriend first. Our grandmothers always said, “Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?” I was giving away milk like it was a government hand out. I had to stop. I had to know my worth. That doesn’t mean take from men and don’t give; it means don’t give so much to the point that I allow men to think I don’t deserve to receive.

By the end of our conversation I decided that I would put KSAN (Kisha Save a Ninja) to death. No more wife benefits without boyfriend; leading to husband behavior. The word of the day is RECIPROCATION! Don’t give more than you receive!

Thank you friend for being what I needed when I needed! Until next time! J